Today was a big day for me. I had to face one of my biggest fears by sitting down, once again, with a psychologist and be vulnerable. However, I'm determined to repair parts of my broken soul and will do whatever I have to do in order to get better. This time it calls for me to face my fears head on and stop avoiding my feelings, stop avoiding my past and stop pushing aside my mind.
The psychologist doing the assessment was a female. That was an automatic trigger, but had she been a man it would have been another type of trigger for me too. I don't trust men, I don't trust women, and I don't trust psychologist. When you don't trust anyone it's hard to open up, but I pushed past all that and answered the zillion questions she had. I reminded myself I was there to get better.
I have trouble with women because they have come between me and my man in multiple relationships, they've stabbed me in the back in friendships, and the female psychologist I had in college called me a liar. I have never recovered from that.
I have so much trouble with men because of being abandoned by my father at an early age, being sexually assaulted multiple times, and being subjected to mental and physical abuse in relationships. I would rather die than be abandoned at this point and hide under the earth, never telling a soul, if I ever get hurt again.
I'm so used to internalizing everything. When things become too much for me to handle I explode. I become enraged. I overreact. I become suicidal. I become over emotional. I become depressed. I become reckless. I used to abuse drugs and alcohol to stop my pain. But I no longer want to live that way.
I hope I will learn to accept my moods and emotions. I want to learn how to cope with life and others. I hope to obtain coping skills for my emotions. I want to learn to not be impulsive. I hope to one day know how to function like a human and not so animalistic. I hope to learn to trust. I hope to live medication free and use my coping skills and mindfulness to handle my bipolar and complex PTSD.
Today I feel good. They quickly assessed I had multiple traumas that need to be addressed and they want to help me. It feels good just to know someone recognizes and acknowledges that you are in pain and that they want to assist you. As I write this it makes me want to cry. Plus listening to Labrinth's Jealous in the background doesn't help.
Today I'm hopeful…
If you have been resistant to seeking help like I have been. Don't wait any longer, go get it!