“Losing Control” (a poem)

How does it feel to lose control?
Do you feel lost?
Do you feel sadness and dread?
Do you feel like all hope is dead
And you don't know what to do next?
Do you feel like I have?
Do you feel like I did our first fight?
That time I locked you out
And my heart skipped a beat
When you kicked open the door.
In that moment my mind went
into flight mode,
But you caught me
And fought with me.
Do you remember that was the first time
You threw me to the ground
Thank G-d there was a mattress nearby
But you still choked me.
You choked me!
How could you choke the girl you loved?
As you drug me through the hall
My rage kicked in and I fought back
that one and only time.
I think I surprised you cause
you stopped.
That's the day I left, the first time.
But you controlled me.
I felt like the person I knew left.
I became a shell of myself.
I was a blow up doll version of myself.
You toyed with me.
You made me believe you loved me.
You had total control of my mind
and body.

Tell me…
How does it feel to lose control?
Does it feel like I did as I hid
in the closet
Of my own home?
As I hid from your alleged
estranged spouse.
When she showed up unexpectedly
with a key!
Then proceeded to go room by room
As if on a witch hunt,
Searching for evidence of my presence.
I laid quietly on the cold floor with
all my belongings in a backpack.
And my handgun on my chest.
My heart pounding and mind racing.
What the hell was I going to do next?
She never found me,
She left.
Who was in control that night?
I was a confused mess.
You saw my gun and became
angry with me.
You said I had no right to
protect myself.
I was empty.
I was alone.
I felt you were loyal to the wrong one.
I had given up control of my self.
I was done.
How does it feel for you?
How does it feel to lose control
of your pet?
Do you feel anything at all?


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