My Life: “2015 Me”

When I look at this picture, I think it’s fitting that my head is down. My whole world was changing and I didn’t understand much of it. I was struggling mentally. Not realizing CPTSD, bipolar disorder & anxiety were slowly taking over my mind.

I was in a constant battle with my then spouse & trying to hide for my safety. I decided to leave a career I loved because my life was in chaos. I started a health coaching program, remodeled my home and was going to start a whole new life. I was volunteering as much as I could to distract myself from myself. Everything was full speed ahead in a zillion directions of newness.

My facade of being OK was starting to crack. I can see the cracks clearly in this photograph. I wonder how many people could see through me back then. I always put on a happy smile, joked and said I was fine. Nothing was fine. My mind raced. I wanted to hurt myself. I felt like no one would care if I was gone. Trying to take care of everything was suddenly overwhelming and I just wanted to escape. So I ran away to try to avoid conflict. I ran away to Texas where nothing but more chaos and trouble ensued. (That’s a story for another time.)

I just want to focus on the girl in this picture… she didn’t know she was beautiful. She didn’t love herself. She was lost. I am so happy I am no longer that girl. Now, I feel loved and supported. I make my mental health a priority. I don’t feel the need to pretend like everything is okay anymore, I know when to seek help. I am still in progress, but so proud of where I am now. If you are like I was in this photo, please know if anything is certain, your situation will change, so please hang on and seek help.

I ended up seeking out a medical doctor then a psychiatrist because I knew something was wrong. Getting a diagnosis was such a relief because it gave me a reason for why I was feeling so “off” and out of control. Working with my psychiatrist and counselors I have been able to learn coping skills and techniques to help me modify my reaction to triggers. The work I put in is worth it cause I don’t want to be that girl again. Never, ever give up… you can make it, moment by moment if need be.